It was a beautiful day to end it all. The sun was shining and the cloudless sky was so blue. I was driving along a road I know well; enough to know that there is a very deep drop off the tarmac to my left and one twitch of the wheel was all it would take.
I could picture it. How the wreckage of my car would look in the papers and I began to imagine what they would write about me. Would they speculate on a fault with the car? An animal ran out in front of me? Sun blinded on that bend?
Would anyone actually realise how depressed I was? I doubted it, I was very good at covering it up. I had the perfect plastered smile, developed over many years of practice, I could function, run a business, appear absolutely normal on the surface. However, inside I was empty, nothing had meaning for me, I was on autopilot.
Then a thought came to me, “What if they put a picture of my grandchildren in the paper?” and I stopped.
I literally had to pull the car over and get out.
I threw up at the side of the road, sat on the dirt doing breathing exercises and it was a good half an hour before I could get back in that death machine and carry on. Something had to change.
I needed help, that much was for sure.
I made a promise to myself that day, for the sake of my tiny little granddaughters that they would get to know me as they grew up, that I would find a way to make them proud of me and be the role model my grandmother had been to me.
That was the beginning of my journey to find out
1. What the hell was wrong with me and
2. How to fill that deep cavernous hole inside me?
I began with antidepressants just as a way to control the urges to end it all.
I had two types of talk therapy in tandem, learned several self help modalities including EFT and PSTEC, logged up hours of guided meditations, read a library of books, signed up for courses and workshops on “putting yourself back together”
They were all ok and I got myself to a point where I could come off the pills (the pink ones really do stop you from screaming!) but there was still that huge hole inside me, desperately crying out for something.
Talk therapy helped me to realise I had been raised in an atmosphere of fear, lack and blame my whole life. The one person I should have depended on for unconditional love was emotionally void herself. I was taught to believe I was unworthy, worthless and useless. I was surviving on a diet of scorn and manipulation.
This created a huge conflict inside me as I had achieved so much in my life yet it was all for nothing because I never got the validation I needed or deserved for any of it. None of it mattered.
So, I found out what was wrong but how do I change the conditioning of a lifetime? Therapy went a long way but didn’t fill the void, neither did all the other modalities I’d tried. There’s nothing wrong with them as such but they don’t complete the circle, or they didn’t for me. I never gave up though and one day I stumbled on a Facebook ad for EAM. I was intrigued, it seemed a bit different, but then all the others did too at first. Well, I thought I’d give it a go just so I could say I’d tried absolutely everything. I went on a three day event and cried the whole time. They were mopping up around me but I made so many realisations in those three days.
I was not broken
It was ok
I have the power to make the change.
I am the only one who can do it (with a little help to get me started)
It’s all just energy
I am the solution, the answer, the light.
I can let go of the pain
I am not defined by the things that happened to me
My story is not over….
Where are you in your story?
Mine is now one full of love and joy, fun and laughter and I am on a mission to make the world a more beautiful place, help others realise their true selves, become fulfilled and know that things can change for the better, all day, every day. And my granddaughters think I’m awesome!